I am old now
I am experienced
I cannot go back to it, but I do remember the wonder and joy of childhood
I can still taste the purity and innocence from my young and uninitiated mind
with its thoughts and ideas of being in love
Back before I knew heartache
(as recipient or giver)
Back when the thought of love meant sunshine and picnics and kisses and endless smiles
I am still that child
I carry him with me always
I carry him and all he has experienced since those days
I have known love in all its stages
Infancy
Youth
Maturity
Decline
And, also, Death
I have taken full advantage of another person’s love for me
treading carefully because inside I knew that my feelings were not as strong
I have also shown callous disregard for the treasures being offered to me because I lacked the tact or ability to let someone down easily
I don’t remember being taken advantage of
Doesn’t mean it never happened
Just means that the person who did it must have really cared for me ’cause, if it was done, it was done in such a way that I never found out it had happened
I have seen love become hurt
Turn to anger
Yield to darkness
And reemerge as hate
(which is the only thing I’ve known that can match the depth of the former’s intensity)
I’ve never hated any one that I once loved
Yet,
I have come as close as one can without actually succumbing to the despair that leads to it
What I am now is the sum of my past…
My dreams …
And my hopes for the present
I can’t undo my mistakes
Nor can I relive the days of my youth
I am no saint
I’m probably far more devil than I wish to be. But I am what I am.
I’ve done good
I’ve done bad
I know well both sides of the fence